Co Active Coaching Kimsey House

1. 1Make the internal shift from 'I am powerful' to 'the coaching relationship is powerful' before the session — your job is the power the coachee experiences, not your own cleverness.
2. 2Listen at Level II (focused on the coachee's words and meaning) and Level III (environmental/global awareness) so you can articulate both what they said and what they left unsaid.
3. 3Use 'articulating what's going on' to name the gap between stated intention and actual pattern — sometimes simply repeat their exact words so they hear themselves.
4. 4Ask powerful, open-ended questions (not closed or leading) driven by genuine curiosity to expand the coachee's perspective rather than gather information for yourself.
5. 5When self-doubt surfaces, champion the coachee: state clearly who they are and that they are capable of more than they believe, so they see their own capabilities.
6. 6Acknowledge who they had to be to take the action or reach the awareness — address the self, not just the deed, so they feel seen and known.
7. 7Anchor discoveries in choice: turn expanded awareness into the coachee taking charge of their life and the choices they make, then move to accountability (what, when, how accountable).

A coachee says he wants to increase his business through cold calls but believes he can make only one call a day. Rather than accept the self-imposed limit, you challenge him with a specified action, conditions, and a completion frame: 'I challenge you to make fifty calls a day.' The challenge is designed to shake up how he sees himself, not to set a literal quota. He responds with a counteroffer — 'I'll make seven' — which is seven times greater than the commitment he originally intended. The shift from one to seven is the empowerment: his sense of what's possible expanded, and the choice remained his. You then move to accountability: what, by when, and how he'll account for the results.

• If the coachee's words contradict their pattern (says they want change but describes the same disempowered response), then articulate the gap and repeat their words back verbatim.
• If the coachee doubts or questions their abilities, then champion — assert clearly who they are and their capability — rather than reassure vaguely.
• If the coachee accomplished an action or reached an awareness, then acknowledge the self (who they had to be), not just the outcome.
• If the coachee is preoccupied or venting and can't be present, then use clearing — listen actively, time-limited, without engaging the content — so they can refocus.
• If the coachee is vague or confused about what they want, then clarify by combining questioning, reframing, and articulating what's going on.

• Performing as the powerful coach instead of serving the coachee's power — tell: you feel clever, the coachee feels handled.
• Asking closed-ended or leading questions dressed as curiosity — tell: the coachee answers yes/no or agrees with your embedded conclusion, and no new perspective emerges.
• Acknowledging the accomplishment but not the person — tell: you praise the result ('good job on the calls') and the coachee doesn't feel seen or known.
• Softening a challenge into a suggestion to avoid discomfort — tell: no counteroffer appears, and the commitment stays inside the self-imposed limit.
• Skipping accountability after a discovery — tell: awareness expands but nothing is anchored to what/when/how, so no sense of choice-in-action forms.

• ▸Stated intention: the coachee's own words about what they want
• ▸Observed pattern: what you're hearing (Level II) or the unsaid (Level III)
• ▸Articulation line: the sentence that names the gap or repeats their words
• ▸Powerful question: one open question to expand perspective
• ▸Championing statement: what you know about their capability despite their doubt
• ▸Acknowledgment: who they had to be to reach this action/awareness
• ▸Choice named: the specific choice now in the coachee's control
• ▸Accountability: what / when / how they'll account for it

1. 1Close the loop on action first by asking the three accountability questions before the coachee leaves the session: (1) What are you going to do? (2) When will you have this done? (3) How will you be accountable?
2. 2Make the commitment a well-formed request: specify the action (in line with the coachee's agenda), the conditions of satisfaction, and a date or time of completion — so 'account for the results' has something concrete to measure against.
3. 3Name the accountability holder explicitly: to themselves, to another person or support in their life, or, on occasion, to you. Do not default to the coach as the only holder.
4. 4If the initial commitment is too small, challenge it: propose an action stretched well beyond their self-imposed limit and let them respond with yes, no, or a counteroffer — the counteroffer is often larger than what they first intended.
5. 5At the next session, open the double harvest with exactly two questions: 'How did it go?' (the promise of action) and 'What did you learn?' (the insight of learning). Treat both a done and a not-done as data, not verdicts.
6. 6Strip blame and judgment from the accounting. Speak the truth without consequence other than learning; do not let the coachee become the worrying child to the coach as parent.
7. 7Connect the harvested learning back to the big agenda — how this action and its result reveal how they operate around fulfillment, balance, and process — then re-form the next request.
8. 8For learning that needs time, assign a homework inquiry (an open question with multiple answers, none 'right') to carry reflection between sessions: e.g., 'What are you tolerating?'

A coachee wants to grow his business through cold calls and states he can make only one call a day. Rather than accepting the safe number, you challenge him: 'I challenge you to make fifty calls a day.' He counteroffers with 'I'll make seven' — already seven times his intended commitment. You lock in the request: seven calls a day, tracked in a log, reported at the next session, with him accountable to himself and to you. At the next session you ask only two things: 'How did it go?' and 'What did you learn?' Whether he made seven or three, the number carries no consequence other than learning — you explore what got in the way, what the saboteur said when he picked up the phone, and what the result reveals about how he operates. Then you re-form the next request based on that learning.

• If a commitment lacks a date, conditions of satisfaction, or a named accountability holder, then it is not yet accountable — do not close the session until all three exist.
• If the coachee's proposed action sits comfortably inside their self-imposed limits, then challenge it and let the counteroffer set the real number.
• If the action was not done, then treat it as learning ('What got in the way? What did you learn?'), never as a failure to prove or a reason for judgment.
• If reflection needs more than a session to ripen, then give a homework inquiry rather than demanding an immediate answer.
• If the coachee starts justifying or explaining rather than accounting, then name it and return to the two clean questions — how did it go, what did you learn.

• Making the coach the sole accountability holder — the tell is the coachee performing for your approval ('prove it to me') instead of accounting to their own vision.
• Sliding into blame or parent-child dynamics — the tell is the coachee withholding the truth about what they didn't do, or apologizing like a worrying child.
• Harvesting action but skipping learning — the tell is you ask 'How did it go?' but never 'What did you learn?', so completed tasks produce no deeper insight into how they operate.
• Accepting the first, safe commitment without challenge — the tell is the coachee consistently proposing tiny actions they easily achieve and never getting stretched.
• Leaving commitments vague — the tell is 'I'll work on it soon' with no specified action, condition of satisfaction, or completion date, so there is nothing to account for later.

• ▸Action: what specifically will you do (aligned with your agenda)?
• ▸Conditions of satisfaction: how will you and I know it's done?
• ▸By when: exact date or time of completion.
• ▸Accountable to whom: yourself, a support person, or the coach?
• ▸Challenge/counteroffer: was the commitment stretched, and what number did you settle on?
• ▸How did it go: what actually happened, done or not done (no judgment)?
• ▸What did you learn: insight about how you operate, including any saboteur activity.
• ▸Homework inquiry: the open question to sit with between sessions.
• ▸Next request: the re-formed action based on what you learned.

1. 1Hold two agendas at once: track the little agenda (today's pressing event, the deadline, the résumé) while keeping an antenna for the big agenda (fulfillment, balance, process). Neither cancels the other.
2. 2Start every session at the coachee's point of view, not the action. In balance coaching, the point of view is usually the main cause of the stuck, blocked, or spinning feeling, so shift perspective before brainstorming solutions.
3. 3Move fulfillment from outward measures to values. When a coachee names success as promotion, money, or lifestyle, sort out what they actually value (risk, family, adventure) and test whether current choices reflect it — aligned choices feel effortless.
4. 4Link any single issue to the whole person. Name the ripple: an exciting career move may be fulfilling and also affect health, family, free time, and geography. Raise awareness without insisting on a destination.
5. 5Use process coaching where emotional energy shows up. When a coachee shrugs off something they cared about, name the discrepancy and invite them into the emotion — the 'e-motion' releases energy that motivates new movement.
6. 6Dance in this moment: respond to what is happening now — tone, what is unsaid, your Level III sense — not to a script or master plan. Choose when to intervene from the present stimulus.
7. 7Convert desired states into SMART goals (specific, measurable, accountable, resonant, thrilling) and pair each goal with a new life-giving practice while eliminating a life-draining habit.
8. 8Hold the focus across sessions. When distraction, fear, or too many options pull the coachee off course, redirect energy back to their stated vision, outcomes, and life choices.

A coachee opens: 'Looks like I'll have to dust off the old résumé again' after not getting the overseas job, saying he's 'cranking up the search machinery again.' The coach notices the shrug — a Level II/III mismatch between his earlier excitement and his current dismissal — and names it: 'Sounds like you're kind of shrugging it off now—as if it wasn't that important. What's the truth there?' The coachee retreats to the little agenda ('I've got a decent job and little risk'), so the coach reflects the bigger truth: 'Up until today, that wasn't enough.' This opens the door and he admits, 'The truth is, I am disappointed.' The coach stays present and reflects intensity ('Not just a little, it sounds like'), letting him reach 'Really disappointed.' By going into the emotion rather than brainstorming the next job search step, the coach connects today's disappointment to what he genuinely values — fulfilling work — which is the fulfillment principle at work behind an everyday 'l' life issue.

• If the coachee brings a narrow issue of the day, then work it directly but keep an antenna out — link it to fulfillment, balance, or process only when the coachee finds that broader conversation compelling.
• If the coachee feels blocked, stuck, or spinning, then start with their point of view (perspective), not with new action — the viewpoint is usually the main contributing factor.
• If there is emotional energy around a topic, then it is important; explore it rather than route around it, because the emotion releases energy that motivates movement.
• If fulfillment is defined only by outward measures (money, promotion, lifestyle), then sort values to reach the deeper definition — purpose, service, full potential — since fulfillment is not the finish line.
• If you feel the urge to break the problem into bite-sized bits and brainstorm fast solutions, then pause — that eagerness bypasses balance coaching's real starting point.

• Rushing to solutions: breaking problems into bite-sized bits to get quick results. Tell — you're brainstorming action before you've examined the coachee's perspective.
• Coaching to your own agenda: giving answers, solutions, or telling the coachee what to do. Tell — you're listening at Level I (your own thoughts and judgments) instead of Level II/III.
• Staying only in the little agenda: treating every session as isolated events. Tell — you never notice how a decision in one area ripples through health, family, time, or geography.
• Following a script instead of dancing in the moment. Tell — you respond to a master plan rather than to the tone, mood, and what is unsaid right now.
• Stopping fulfillment at outward measures. Tell — the coachee 'achieves the goal' but reports it feels like a finish line with no deeper satisfaction, because values were never sorted.

• ▸Little agenda (issue of the day): the pressing event or choice on the coachee's chin right now
• ▸Coachee's current point of view: how they are framing this that creates stuck/spinning
• ▸Values in play: which personal values this issue touches (risk, family, adventure, etc.)
• ▸Fulfillment link: how this choice moves toward or away from a valued, purposeful Life
• ▸Balance link: does this choice come from flow and alignment or from reacting to urgency
• ▸Process/emotion present: what emotional energy is here and what it signals is important
• ▸Ripple check: which other life areas (health, relationships, time, geography) this affects
• ▸SMART goal + new practice: specific/measurable/accountable/resonant/thrilling goal and one life-giving practice to add
• ▸Focus reminder: the vision/outcome to redirect energy back to when distraction hits

1. 1Forewarn the coachee at foundation-setting. Include "a few words about homeostasis" as part of orientation to coaching: name it as a natural, often subconscious resistance to change, explain that when the old way is undone and the new not yet embedded there is a strong pull back to the familiar. Tell them the alarm will sound the moment they take initiative to change—"Expect it."
2. 2Listen for the saboteur explicitly. While tracking content, listen underneath for "resistance, fear, backtracking, and the voice of the saboteur"—the voice that objects to change, points out shortcomings, and lists reasons this idea won't work. Track the tells: hesitation, "the sour ring of something not quite true."
3. 3Use Level III awareness to sense dissonance. When a course of action betrays the coachee's values, expect frustration, boredom, indifference, anger, resignation, or persistent justification. Listen between the words—"a disturbance in the force, something is not quite right"—the acrid smell of fear or the fragrance of flowery rationalizations.
4. 4Name the saboteur for what it is. Its power drops when the coachee can identify it, notice their options, and consciously choose the action they really want. Reframe it as neither good nor bad—"it just is"—a structure that appears to protect but actually prevents forward movement.
5. 5Intrude when the coachee is caught in the old, repetitive narrative. Interrupt directly for the sake of the coachee's agenda: "Stop a moment. What's at the heart of this?" or the hard truth "You are kidding yourself," or "STOP! This is not serving you."
6. 6Separate the saboteur's message from the person. When it recites "you're not smart enough / experienced enough / old enough" (not enough) or "you're too old / too aggressive" (too much), take a stand for the coachee's natural creativity and resourcefulness—remind them of their inner light rather than hand-holding them to the safest outcome.
7. 7Anticipate backsliding and build structures. Because change requires expenditure and sustaining of energy, expect the temptation to backslide mid-change. Install structures—collages, calendars, voicemail messages, alarm clocks—that remind coachees of vision, goals, and the actions they need to take now.

A coachee learns she was the second choice for a high-powered position in a very competitive market. She is disappointed and begins questioning her professional competence—this is the saboteur reciting the old litany: you're not experienced enough, not good enough. Listening at Level III, you feel the dissonance beneath the disappointment: the message that she is "not enough." You reframe by pointing out that being second choice in such a competitive market indicates the high quality of her expertise and experience. Then you name the mechanism: this voice appears to protect her from further risk, but it is overcautious at exactly the moment that calls for risk-taking. Once she identifies it for what it is, she can see her options and consciously choose the action she truly wants rather than retreating to the familiar.

• If change or risk-taking is imminent, then expect the saboteur/homeostasis to activate and forewarn the coachee in advance—don't wait for the alarm to surprise them.
• If you hear hesitation, backtracking, or "the sour ring of something not quite true," then stop tracking content and listen for the saboteur underneath the story.
• If the coachee is caught in an old or repetitive narrative, then intrude directly for the sake of their agenda ("Stop—what's at the heart of this?") rather than politely letting it continue.
• If you sense dissonance against the coachee's values (frustration, resignation, persistent justification), then surface it—it signals self-betrayal, not a real obstacle.
• If the coachee mid-change feels the strong pull back to the familiar, then treat it as expected homeostasis and install a structure to sustain the change rather than interpreting the backslide as failure.

• Treating the saboteur as an enemy to defeat. It is "neither good nor bad; it just is," and it will always be with us—fighting it hardens it; naming it dissolves its power. The tell: the coachee argues against the voice instead of noticing options.
• Coaching to the safest outcome. Believing people are fragile and dependent turns you into a "worried hand holder" instead of a champion. The tell: you're guiding away from all risk exactly when risk is what change requires.
• Missing the saboteur because you only track content. The voice "operates quietly in the background," so surface listening won't catch it. The tell: the session feels productive but nothing shifts—an "ahh" of satisfaction with no "aha."
• Skipping the homeostasis conversation at orientation. Without forewarning, the coachee reads the pull-back to the familiar as personal failure. The tell: mid-change backsliding produces shame and abandonment of the goal.
• Confusing the saboteur's protection with real caution. The voice claims it shields from danger or loss, but it is "often overcautious at a time that calls for risks." The tell: elaborate, flowery rationalizations for inaction.

• ▸Change/risk at hand: name the specific initiative that triggered the alarm.
• ▸Saboteur's exact words: write the litany verbatim ("you're not ___ enough" / "you're too ___").
• ▸Message type: is it "not enough" or "too much"?
• ▸What it claims to protect: the danger, loss, or catastrophe it says it's guarding against.
• ▸Level III dissonance noted: the felt tell (fear-smell, sour ring, hesitation, rationalization).
• ▸Intrusion used: the direct interruption you delivered ("Stop—what do you really want?").
• ▸Options now visible: the choices seen once the saboteur is named.
• ▸Consciously chosen action: what the coachee actually wants to do, with date/conditions.
• ▸Structure installed: the reminder device (calendar, voicemail, alarm) that sustains the change against backslide.

1. 1Take the stand before the session, not just believe it: decide that this person is capable of finding answers, choosing, taking action, recovering, and learning — regardless of their circumstances or current self-doubt. This is a declaration you make, not a mood.
2. 2Reset your focus from problem to person. When you sit down (even by phone), remind yourself you are across from a whole person — heart, mind, body, spirit — not a problem to solve. Hold a soft, broad focus that listens on many levels rather than a hard, concentrated focus on the presenting issue.
3. 3Tune in to all four dimensions during the conversation. Notice not just what the mind says yes to, but where the spirit feels at a loss, what the body signals, and what the emotions carry. Track the influences present in each dimension without treating them as separate coaching targets.
4. 4Dance in this moment: hold the coachee's agenda, access your intuition, and let the coachee lead the direction and flow. Partner actively in real time rather than executing a pre-planned route.
5. 5Take a stand for the largest possible impact from even the smallest action. Connect today's concrete goal (the report, the interview, the race) to the coachee's full potential so the accomplishment becomes a message about who they can be.
6. 6When you catch yourself moving to advise or solve, convert it into curiosity: ask a question that invites the coachee's own resourcefulness instead of supplying your answer.
7. 7Clear yourself when you get hooked. If you are preoccupied or reacting to the interaction, clear with a colleague or friend so you can show up fully present — because the stance requires your presence, not your problem-solving.

A coachee is preparing for a 5K race, a job interview, and a report — items she treats as boxes to check. Working from the cornerstone stance, you don't manage the tasks; you hold that she is naturally creative, resourceful, and whole, and you connect today's goal to her life's potential. You ask what completing the report would say about who she is becoming, staying tuned to the spirit and emotion behind her flat 'to-do' language. The connection ignites: the report is no longer a checked box but an expression of inner conviction. She shifts from the satisfaction of 'ahh' to the breakthrough awareness of 'aha' — discovering a renewed capacity, like finding muscles she'd forgotten she had. Because you took a stand for the greatest possible impact from a small action, you evoked transformation while she still chose the topic, action, and result herself.

• If you feel the urge to guide the coachee to the safest possible outcome, then you've slipped into the 'fragile and dependent' belief — return to the stand that they are capable.
• If you're accessing only 'the place between your ears' with logic and pragmatic solutions, then widen to a soft focus that includes emotion, body, and spirit.
• If you get hooked or preoccupied by the interaction, then clear with a colleague before continuing so your presence isn't compromised.
• If a goal is being treated as a checked box, then link it to the coachee's full potential so it becomes an expression of who they can be.
• If your intuition or agenda pulls against the coachee's direction, then let it go and follow the coachee's lead — the coachee chooses topic, action, and results.

• Treating the cornerstone as a private belief rather than a declared stand — tell: you quietly doubt the coachee's capability and start steering toward safe outcomes.
• Focusing on the problem instead of the person — tell: you can summarize the issue perfectly but couldn't say what the coachee felt in heart or spirit.
• Over-relying on analysis and logic — tell: you produce a 'correct' solution the coachee's spirit feels at a loss with, or that the mind says yes to but the gut resists.
• Imposing your own agenda while calling it presence — tell: you're leading the flow instead of letting the coachee lead; you 'know' the right answer.
• Chasing only 'ahh' satisfaction and skipping the connection to potential — tell: goals get completed but no 'aha' or expanded capacity emerges; the coachee learns nothing they carry into other areas.

• ▸Person, not problem: name what you already know about this coachee's capability (finding answers, choosing, acting, recovering, learning).
• ▸The stand I'm taking: write the declaration — 'This person is naturally creative, resourceful, and whole.'
• ▸Whole-person scan: note what to attend to across heart / mind / body / spirit this session.
• ▸Where I might narrow: name the logic-only trap you're prone to and how you'll widen the focus.
• ▸Am I clear? Note any preoccupation or hook to clear before the session, and with whom.
• ▸Dance-in-the-moment cue: one reminder to hold their agenda and let the coachee lead.
• ▸Potential link: what larger potential might today's small action connect to?
• ▸Evoke-transformation intent: the 'aha' capacity you're holding a vision of for this coachee.

1. 1Design the alliance explicitly during the discovery session: co-create ground rules, expectations, and mutual agreements with the coachee rather than imposing your own format. Revisit this alliance regularly as needs shift.
2. 2Name confidentiality as a condition before deep work begins. In organizational contexts, resolve the reporting question by assigning the coachee responsibility for reporting the nature of the work, so they disclose what is relevant to the organization while preserving coach-coachee confidentiality.
3. 3Build trust through the small operational things: be punctual, be reliable, follow through. Trust is built over time and works both ways, so track your own trustworthiness in actions, not just intentions.
4. 4Separate accountability from judgment. Hold the coachee to their commitments by asking only 'How did it go?' and 'What did you learn?' — account for action and insight, never 'prove it to me.'
5. 5Make the space a truth-telling zone by removing consequence: signal that truth carries no consequence other than learning, discovery, and new insight, so the coachee never becomes a 'worrying child' to a 'coach as parent.'
6. 6Use asking permission before entering intimate or uncomfortable territory: 'May I tell you a hard truth?' or 'Are you willing to be coached about this sensitive issue?' Each granted permission adds breathing room.
7. 7Self-manage your own noise: when you get hooked or preoccupied by content unrelated to the coachee, clear it with a colleague or friend beforehand so you show up fully present, not carrying your own turbulence into the container.
8. 8Reinforce vulnerability deliberately. When the coachee takes a risk, acknowledge it, which adds trust, which makes the environment safer, which enables more courage — run this self-reinforcing loop on purpose.

A coach is working with Michael, who repeatedly says he wants to change his relationship with his manager. The coach has established confidentiality and reliability over prior sessions, so Michael trusts the container. Rather than softening, the coach uses articulating what's going on to tell a hard truth safely: 'Michael, I know how much you say you want to change your relationship with your manager, but what I'm hearing sounds like the same old response — feeling disempowered but not speaking up.' Because the space carries no consequence beyond learning, Michael can hear this without becoming defensive or treating the coach as a parent to appease. The coach first asked permission — 'May I tell you what I'm noticing?' — granting Michael access to an uncomfortable area on his terms. This is safe but not comfortable: like the climber with a belay team, Michael keeps reaching because he trusts the rope is held.

• If the coachee seems tentative or you sense an undercurrent of withholding, then re-confirm confidentiality — the tentativeness is a symptom of a broken safety condition.
• If you are about to enter intimate or uncomfortable territory, then ask permission first ('Are you willing to be coached about this?') rather than pushing in unannounced.
• If you are hooked or preoccupied by something unrelated to the coachee, then clear with a colleague before the session — do not carry your noise into the container.
• If you catch yourself in a 'prove it to me' stance, then reframe to 'How did it go? What did you learn?' — accountability is accounting for action, not defending against judgment.
• If the coachee's discomfort is the discomfort of real change (not the discomfort of feeling unsafe), then keep going — safe does not mean comfortable.

• Confusing comfortable with safe: the coach avoids hard truths to keep the coachee at ease. The tell — the coachee never feels stretched and change stalls, though the sessions feel pleasant.
• Slipping into parent-child dynamics where the coachee reports 'good behavior' and hides what they didn't do. The tell — the coachee frames results defensively or seeks approval rather than telling the whole truth.
• Treating the alliance as one-and-done. The tell — ground rules set at session one are never revisited even as needs shift, and old agreements no longer fit the relationship.
• Letting the coach's own noise contaminate presence — arriving hooked or preoccupied. The tell — the coach can't dance in the moment, keeps steering to their own agenda, or misses what the coachee is actually saying.
• In organizations, mishandling the reporting requirement so confidentiality erodes. The tell — the coachee censors themselves, wondering what will get back to the organization, and disclosure stays surface-level.

• ▸Confidentiality terms: what is held private, and (if organizational) what the coachee will report and to whom
• ▸Trust commitments — coach: the concrete reliability behaviors you promise (punctuality, follow-through)
• ▸Trust commitments — coachee: what the coachee agrees to bring (honesty, showing up)
• ▸Permission protocol: the phrase you'll use before entering sensitive territory
• ▸Truth-telling agreement: state that truth carries no consequence beyond learning and discovery
• ▸Accountability format: the exact account-for questions you'll ask ('How did it go? What did you learn?')
• ▸Coach self-management plan: how and with whom you will clear your own noise before sessions
• ▸Review cadence: when you will revisit and re-design this alliance as needs shift

1. 1Begin designing the alliance in the discovery session, before regular coaching starts. Name it explicitly: state that you are building a working relationship together, not delivering a service to a passive recipient.
2. 2Elicit the coachee's preferences directly: how they want to be challenged, what kind of communication works for them, what they want you to do when they get stuck or defensive. Do not assume — ask.
3. 3State your own contributions and boundaries: how you self-manage (put aside biases and opinions to hold their agenda), when you might share an opinion or a bit of your story, and the fact that any such sharing is at your discretion and in their interest.
4. 4Set the logistics and format as part of the agreement — session frequency, confidentiality (22–23), truth telling (24) — so structure holds the container rather than either person improvising.
5. 5Grant power to the relationship, not to yourself or them: name aloud that the coaching relationship is separate from both individuals and that both of you take responsibility for creating what most serves the coachee.
6. 6Tie your listening to the alliance: listen with consciousness for the coachee's vision, values, commitment, and purpose — the focus that comes from what you designed together, at Level II and III rather than Level I.
7. 7Revisit the alliance regularly, because the coaching relationship and the coachee's needs shift over time. Ask directly what is working, what to change, and re-design accordingly.

In the discovery session, you and the coachee co-create how you'll work. She says disappointment tends to make her withdraw, so together you agree that when you sense her pulling back you'll name it rather than let it pass. She also asks to be challenged hard when she plays small. Weeks later she's informed she was second choice for a competitive position and questions her competence — she goes quiet. Because the alliance grants you permission, you name the withdrawal and then reframe: being second choice in that market signals the high quality of her expertise. She reconnects, and because the alliance is hers too, she speaks up about what's actually true. Later you revisit the agreement, and she asks for lighter challenge as her needs have shifted — so you re-design it.

• If you notice yourself preoccupied or hooked before a session, then clear with a colleague or friend first so you show up fully present — don't carry it into the alliance.
• If you're tempted to share an opinion, advice, or your personal story, then apply the discretion test: share only if it builds trust or serves the coachee long-term, otherwise keep it to yourself.
• If the coachee's needs or the relationship dynamic has shifted, then stop and re-negotiate the alliance rather than operating on the original terms.
• If you find yourself steering toward your own agenda for the coachee, then return to listening for their agenda — the alliance defines whose direction leads.
• If the coachee stays disconnected or awkward truth goes unspoken, then invoke the agreement that both of you speak up and reconnect, because power lives in the relationship, not in your rescue.

• Treating the alliance as a one-time intake form. Tell: you never revisit it, and the working agreement no longer matches the coachee's current needs.
• Positioning yourself as the expert. Tell: you offer solutions and advice as 'the right answer' instead of one possible pathway, and the coachee defers to you.
• Holding power in yourself rather than the relationship. Tell: you feel responsible for outcomes and 'driving,' while the coachee waits passively for you to lead.
• Skipping the clear and bringing your own preoccupation into the session. Tell: your attention drifts to your issues, and you listen at Level I to your own thoughts and judgments.
• Designing the alliance unilaterally. Tell: you set the terms and tell the coachee how it will work, so it's your design imposed, not a mutual creation.

• ▸Coachee's desired way of being challenged — one sentence on how hard/how gentle
• ▸Communication approach — preferred tone, pacing, and channels
• ▸What to do when the coachee gets stuck or defensive — agreed signal and response
• ▸Coach's self-management commitments — biases/opinions set aside; discretion on sharing
• ▸Confidentiality and truth-telling terms — what stays private, permission to name hard truths
• ▸Logistics and format — frequency, length, and structure of sessions
• ▸How power is granted to the relationship — each party's responsibility stated aloud
• ▸Review cadence — the date/interval when the alliance will be revisited and re-designed

1. 1Listen at three levels at once: Level I (words/content), Level II (the coachee, leaning in, tracking meaning behind the story), Level III (vision, values, resistance, saboteur). Keep Level II and III active as the default; when you catch yourself deciding internally what to do next, you have dropped to Level I—reconnect.
2. 2Run curiosity into powerful questions: ask open-ended questions that cannot be answered yes/no and are drawn from the coachee's agenda—'What do you want?' 'What's next?' 'How will you start?' 'What does that cost you?'—to evoke clarity, action, or commitment.
3. 3Feed back what you hear using articulating ('what I'm hearing sounds like the same old response') and reframing (reinterpret the original facts to open a new perspective) so the coachee sees their situation from another angle.
4. 4Forward action and deepen learning with requests and challenges: state a specified action tied to the coachee's agenda, conditions of satisfaction, and a completion date; expect yes, no, or a counteroffer—and treat the counteroffer as real progress.
5. 5Acknowledge who the coachee had to be to act ('I acknowledge the courage it took...'), and champion them when self-doubt appears by naming the capability you clearly see.
6. 6Manage yourself: when you get 'hooked' or preoccupied, clear the emotionality time-limited with a colleague or friend so you show up fully present; ask permission before entering intimate or uncomfortable territory ('May I tell you a hard truth?').
7. 7Close every action with accountability: ask (1) What are you going to do? (2) When will you have it done? (3) How will you be accountable?—without blame or judgment.

A coachee wants to make cold calls to increase his business and believes he can manage only one call a day. Reading his self-imposed limit at Level III, you challenge him: 'I challenge you to make fifty calls a day.' The challenge carries a specified action tied to his agenda, conditions of satisfaction, and a completion date. He counteroffers: 'I'll make seven.' Seven is seven times his original ceiling, so the counteroffer is greater than the commitment he first intended—exactly what a challenge is designed to produce. You then set accountability: what, by when, and how he'll account for the result. Because the challenge stretched him beyond his limits, it also shook up how he sees himself.

• If you notice yourself internally planning your next move mid-conversation, then you have slipped to Level I—stop and reconnect at Level II and III.
• If the coachee is vague, confused, or uncertain about the desired outcome, then clarify by combining questioning, reframing, and articulating what's going on.
• If the coachee is stuck or feels victimized by circumstances, then reframe or shift perspective to open their sense of possibility.
• If the coachee's emotionality or preoccupation blocks presence or action, then clear by active-listening while they vent, time-limited, then move to the next step.
• If you're about to enter intimate or uncomfortable territory, then ask permission first so the relationship grants access.

• Listening only for content: you track words but miss vision, values, resistance, and the saboteur—tell is that you can summarize the story but not the theme underneath it.
• Asking closed-ended questions: yes/no prompts that don't evoke discovery—tell is short, flat answers and no new learning.
• Making requests off your own agenda instead of the coachee's, or omitting conditions of satisfaction and a completion date—tell is the coachee can't say yes, no, or counteroffer cleanly.
• Letting accountability slide into blame or judgment—tell is the coachee defends or account for results to you rather than to their own vision.
• Staying 'hooked' or preoccupied and not clearing—tell is you're half-present, filtering the coachee through your own distraction.

• ▸Level II/III notes: meaning, values, or resistance you heard beneath the words
• ▸Articulate-back: repeat or name what you notice ('what I'm hearing is...')
• ▸Powerful question asked: an open-ended question drawn from the coachee's agenda
• ▸Reframe offered: the original fact reinterpreted from a new angle
• ▸Request or challenge: specified action + conditions of satisfaction + completion date
• ▸Response logged: yes / no / counteroffer (and the counteroffer amount)
• ▸Acknowledgment: who the coachee had to be to do this
• ▸Accountability: what / by when / how they'll account
• ▸Self-management check: hooked or preoccupied? clearing needed? permission asked?

1. 1Before the session, clear yourself: if you are hooked by a prior interaction or preoccupied with issues that don't pertain to the coachee, share that experience with a colleague or friend so you can show up fully present. Clearing is time-limited and content-independent.
2. 2Name your own agenda silently and set it down — your biases, opinions, judgments, and the answer you think is 'right.' Holding the coachee's agenda means putting your whole attention on the coachee, not on your agenda for them.
3. 3Follow the coachee's lead without knowing the right answer, giving solutions, or telling them what to do. Let the coachee stay in control of direction; you are dancing in this moment, letting the coachee lead you.
4. 4Hold both agendas at once: track the little agenda (the specific event, choice, or action of the moment) and the big agenda (how this connects to their fulfillment, balance, and process).
5. 5Grant power to the relationship. Remember the power resides in the relationship between you and the coachee, not in either individual — take responsibility for the container, not for the outcome.
6. 6Ask powerful, open-ended questions derived from the coachee's agenda — 'What do you want?' 'What's next?' 'How will you start?' — rather than steering toward your preferred answer.
7. 7When you offer a request or challenge, hold it lightly: a request is based on the coachee's agenda and you are not attached to which of the three responses (yes, no, counteroffer) they choose. Each response opens further learning.
8. 8Catch yourself when you drift into your own answer — return attention to the coachee's stated direction and, if needed, hold the focus by reminding them of the course they set.

A coachee wants to make cold calls to increase his business and says he thinks he can make only one call a day. Holding his agenda means you don't decide for him what the right number is — you make a request or challenge based on his agenda of growing the business, and you stay unattached to the response. You challenge: 'I challenge you to make fifty calls a day.' He counteroffers with 'I'll make seven.' Because you are holding his agenda and not your own, you accept the counteroffer as his choice rather than pushing him back to fifty or dismissing seven as too low. The counteroffer of seven is far greater than the one call he initially thought he could make — the growth came from his ownership, not your prescription. The power stayed with the relationship and the coachee stayed in control.

• If you notice you already 'know' the right answer, then set it down and ask an open question instead of prescribing.
• If you are preoccupied or hooked by something that doesn't pertain to the coachee, then clear with a colleague first so you can be fully present.
• If the coachee gives a counteroffer to a request or challenge, then accept it as their choice and explore the learning — do not defend your original number.
• If the situation appears in both a specific-event frame and a life-pattern frame, then hold the little agenda and the big agenda (fulfillment, balance, process) simultaneously.
• If you feel the urge to steer toward your solution, then return your whole attention to the coachee's stated direction and let them lead.

• Substituting your agenda for theirs: giving solutions or telling them what to do. The tell — you're talking more than asking, and your suggestions carry the 'right' answer.
• Getting hooked without clearing: your attention is on your own preoccupation. The tell — you're half-listening or replaying an unrelated situation in your head.
• Attachment to the response: pushing back when the coachee counteroffers or says no. The tell — you feel disappointment or try to renegotiate toward your number.
• Collapsing to only the little agenda: fixing the event of the moment and missing the meta-view. The tell — sessions solve incidents but the coachee never learns how they operate.
• Taking the power onto yourself: acting as the expert with answers rather than granting power to the relationship. The tell — the coachee waits for your verdict instead of leading.

• ▸Am I clear? — Name any preoccupation or 'hooked' feeling; note who you'll clear it with before the session.
• ▸My opinion/answer to set down — Write the answer you're tempted to give, then consciously park it.
• ▸Little agenda — State the specific event or choice the coachee is bringing this session.
• ▸Big agenda link — Note how this connects to their fulfillment, balance, or process.
• ▸Power location — Confirm: what will keep power with the relationship and the coachee, not me?
• ▸Open questions ready — List 2-3 powerful open questions derived from their agenda.
• ▸Non-attachment check — For any request/challenge, note that yes, no, and counteroffer are all acceptable.
• ▸Lead indicator — What signals will tell me the coachee is leading and I'm following?